What does God say about divorce?
In this article, I’d like to share an infographic that better explains our stance on divorce in Matthew 19.
Sometimes, you must get a visual representation of things to understand them better.
I'll also present 5 overlooked truths about the church's common view on divorce that you can use to discuss divorce with your family and friends from a Biblical perspective.
What Does God Say About Divorce?
As a reminder, here is the famous passage about divorce:
Matthew 19:9 ESV
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Most Christians believe that because Jesus said this, the only way you can get a divorce is if your spouse cheats on you.
There is literally no other reason why God would allow people to divorce.
However, even though most of the church holds this view, it doesn’t really stop any believer from getting a divorce for other reasons.
I think everyone just kind of quietly gets a divorce for reasons other than adultery and then just acts like it never happened. I mean, God forgives all sin anyway, right?
My point is not to sound mean or to condemn anyone.
But maybe instead of holding to a view only to break it because it’s “too hard to live by anyways,” it might be a good idea to go back to the drawing board and ask, “Is this really what Jesus was saying?”
I’m going to quickly show you why Jesus was not teaching that the only absolute reason for divorce is adultery.
1. First, we need to appeal to the extremes.
Here’s what I mean. Part of doing effective Bible Study is asking logical questions that lead to further discussion.
One good question to ask when you come to a challenging scripture like Matthew 19:9 is this:
Did Jesus mean that adultery is the only reason that anyone ever, in the history of the world, can get a legal divorce?
Asking this question should lead us to appeal to the extremes.
“Appealing to the extremes” occurs when we take a stance on something, but someone disagrees.
So, to prove our stance in light of their rebuttals, we think of a very extreme situation that, if true, strengthens our view.
For example, a person might say we should end abortions.
Then, another person comes along who is in favor of abortion, and to prove their point, they say something like:
“What if rape occurs upon a woman and it involves incest? That girl needs an abortion! Therefore, abortion needs to be legal.”
They are appealing to the extremes with this statement.
Abortions from incestual rape are very rare and could account for only about 0.5% of all abortions.
So, this argument, brought out by the pro-choice person, is kind of flawed.
However, they do bring up a good point. What about these circumstances? What should we do?
Appealing to the extremes is an excellent way to start a conversation and get us thinking in the right direction regarding divorce.
A person might be in favor of only allowing divorce if the other spouse commits adultery or some type of sexual immorality.
But we always need to examine and appeal to the extremes:
“What if a spouse is physically abusing the other and refuses to stop? Is divorce OK in this situation?”
“What if a spouse refuses to contribute to the marriage or provide for the other spouse?”
“What if a spouse gets addicted to drugs and checks out of the marriage?”
“What if one spouse, for whatever reason, is entirely unwilling to show love to the other, including in the area of sex, to the point of plain neglect, and refuses to change?”
Some who are in favor of the “adultery-only” divorce might respond to these questions by saying, “Well, in these situations, divorce might be OK.”
… But you just said that divorce is only allowed in cases of adultery… So, was Jesus lying?
If he wasn’t lying, then why did he say, “except for adultery?”
Both cannot be true. Divorce can’t be allowed “only for” adultery but also allowed for physical abuse.
Maybe there’s something else going on in Matthew 19…
I know there are exceptions to all the above scenarios. There are more grey areas than black and white.
But the point of taking this to the extreme is to make us think: Would God want us to live in these situations forever rather than get a divorce?
Well, if you truly advocate for the “only-adultery” view, then your answer would have to be “yes.”
In the case of abortion, the appeal to extremes argument is weak because the extremes are rare.
But with divorce, many people would say that these types of extremes always happen!
And since there are so many more cases of scenarios like the ones listed above, appealing to the extremes is a strong argument for those in favor of possible other reasons for divorce rather than adultery/sexual immorality.
2. Get the Context of Matthew 19
Don’t simply read verse 9 and quote it as a “catch-all” for your view on divorce.
What led to this discussion between the Pharisees and Jesus? What do the surrounding verses say?
During this time, the popular belief was that any man could divorce his wife for just about any reason… even little ones.
We can call this the “Hillel View.” Hillel was a teacher around the time of Jesus who said that the Mosaic Law teaches divorce for literally any reason.
You could divorce your wife if she burned the dinner or was too loud in public.
The Pharisees approached Jesus and asked him specifically about Hillel divorces:
Matthew 19:3
And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?”
The problem with divorces in Jesus’ day (and in our day) was that people got divorced for any little thing.
Burned the food? Divorce.
Don’t like you anymore? Divorce.
Found someone prettier? Divorce.
Mishandled some money? Divorce.
Popped off at me in front of the in-laws? Divorce.
Why? “Because that’s what I interpret the Law to say.”
Jesus goes on to describe that marriage was supposed to be forever and that divorce was allowed because of the hardness of people.
He then says (in verse 9) that if they were to divorce and remarry, they would be committing adultery.
Why? Because these silly little Hillel divorces were absurd divorces. They were invalid divorces in the sense that they should never have happened, and God forbade them.
So, when Jesus gives the “adultery-only” rule, it’s in the context of these Hillel divorces.
For example, let’s say all the men in my local church began divorcing their wives for silly reasons.
I would tell them all, “You guys need to stop divorcing and remarrying unless adultery happens.”
Am I referring to any and every divorce that happens throughout all time for any reason?
No, I’m speaking in a more specific context to these men in my local church who were doing it for silly reasons.
What I said doesn’t apply to the woman out there who lives in an abusive marriage, and the man refuses to change.
Or to the man who wants love, affection, and attention from his wife, who says she will never do that and doesn’t want to change but instead spends all her time at work.
What I said does apply to the man in my church who is just tired of looking at his wife, so he divorces her.
3. There was agreement that divorce was OK for specific reasons other than adultery
The Jews believed that there were three basic things that the husband needed to provide in his marriage.
Most people in Jesus’ day believed divorce was OK if he did not provide these things.
The three things he needed to provide were:
Food
Clothing
Marital Rights
Jewish courts would grant divorces if these things were not done in the marriage, and there was a general consensus.
The definition of “marital rights” evolved through the decades of Jewish law, but it usually had to do with sex, love, and affection.
It would be foolish to think that in Matthew 19, Jesus was now breaking this norm by saying that even if the husband isn’t providing food to his wife, she cannot divorce.
4. If adultery was literally the only reason why a divorce could happen (as most people ascribe to Jesus in Matthew 19), why would Paul come along and give yet another acceptable reason for divorce?
Jesus says that adultery is the only reason for divorce.
Paul comes along and says that abandonment is also grounds for divorce. (1 Cor. 7:10-11)
If adultery was the “only” reason for divorce, Paul should not have mentioned another reason.
How do we reconcile what appears to be a contradiction between Paul and Jesus?
Again, you must understand Jesus’ statements within the context of Hillel and use good, Holy Ghost common sense.
If Paul agreed that abandonment was grounds for divorce, Jesus would have also agreed.
He didn’t contradict himself before back in Matthew 19. He was just speaking about foolish Hillel divorces.
5. Adultery is more of the “general” or “foundational” reason for divorce.
Here’s what I mean by that.
The Bible says to go to church. (Hebrews 10:25) It says not to forsake the assembling.
However, when we read that, our minds automatically add some subtext, and the interpretation comes out to something like:
“Surely, God doesn’t mean that I must be at every service, even if I’m sick, contagious, and dying. It just means that if I can be there, I should be there. It also means that I shouldn’t have silly little excuses for why I can’t go because all that means is that I just really don’t want to go.”
That’s a valid interpretation, but the text doesn’t say that.
Some things in Scripture are more general statements. We should attend every service, but it’s probably impossible for most people to do so, and God understands in certain circumstances.
Adultery is the general, foundational reason for divorce, but it isn’t the only reason why divorce could happen.
When we read Matthew 19:9, our minds should do the same thing.
We should apply some context, subtext, and common sense to the scripture.
Will people abuse the “subtext rule” of Hebrews 10:25 and say they have a valid reason to miss church even when it’s probably not valid in God’s eyes? Sure.
In the same way, people will abuse the “subtext rule” of Matthew 19:9 and say they have a valid reason for divorce when there probably isn’t one.
But this doesn’t negate the “subtext rule.” If people genuinely yield to the Holy Spirit, He will lead them to make the right decisions.
Bottom Line
God 100% hates divorce. His will is always for a marriage to work out.
But He understands that in certain circumstances, divorce is an acceptable option.
He understands that marriage takes two to tango. If one person is unwilling, it will not work, period.
If you’ve gotten a divorce and feel like you had a valid reason, then be at peace about it and move on with your life. God is with you and pushing you forward.
If you’re currently considering a divorce, pray about it.
If you still feel like you have no choice, it could be your best option. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.
If you got a divorce in the past but are perhaps starting to feel like you shouldn’t have, it’s OK. Divorce is not the “unforgivable sin.”
If you can’t reconcile, just move forward in God. You are free to remarry or be single.
Every marriage is different. Before you make any decision, it’s best to consult a Godly minister to help give you direction about your situation.
I go into much more detail in this study and give you all the sources.
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